Tomorrow morning, Gabriel starts his first day of his new school in the form of daycare. This was quite possibly one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make. Gabe is getting to the age that he doesn’t need a nap every day, and on the days that he does nap, I’m often lucky if it’s for an hour. Couple that with the fact that I’m getting swamped at work, I’ve been working fairly nonstop. When emergencies come up during the day, I have to stop what I’m doing and try to answer the questions or help. I can’t guarantee anymore that I’ll have two hours during normal work hours to work. Somehow, on the Mother’s Day Out days, I never get anywhere close to getting anything done that I needed. I’ve been working until nearly 10 every night, after Gabe and Shawn both go to bed, so I never really see my family, and well, poor Gabe now gets mad when I even pick up my phone to check my emails.
No one was winning in this situation. I wasn’t being fair to Gabe, Shawn was feeling like he never saw me except at dinner, and I was getting more and more stressed out. Anytime anyone would ask for my help with anything, whether it was for Content Solutions or Games are Evil, I had to force myself not to get worked up and cry. This past week was possibly the worst, since I had appointments that kept me from getting much done at all on Tuesday and Thursday.
So a few weeks ago, Gabe and I toured a few daycares in the area. We found a nice one fairly close to the house that a few of Shawn’s friends recommended from their own experiences. Gabe will go there Monday-Thursday (I’m keeping my playdates on Fridays) from around 9-4:30. Hopefully what that will mean is that I will only work after 4:30 if I have a massive deadline or if I’m podcasting. If I don’t get articles written that aren’t for CS, so be it. The writing brain will shut off when I log off from iChat. I think that by doing this I will not feel so burned out, I’ll be able to do a better job for CS, GrE, and SGR, and I won’t constantly be worrying about letting people down. I also believe that I’ll be able to appreciate my time with my family far more and I won’t feel like I’m neglecting Gabe as much.
I really hope all of these positives cancel out my feelings of guilt of putting Gabe into daycare in the first place.
With all of these changes, I’m also forcing myself to take a step back and look at what I really want my overall goals to be in life. After trying to work on three game reviews this past week, I know what has to go. Once I wrap up these three game reviews (Vanquish, Final Fantasy: The 4 Heroes of Light, and Ys Oath of Felghana), I’m done with the game reviewing department. I’m still going to review strategy guides, since I can do those on my own time, but with game reviews, it’s gotten to the point of stressing me out. I used to think I couldn’t review games because I wasn’t that good at games. Well, that’s definitely not the case, but I don’t have the time it takes to review games in a timely fashion. If I worked somewhere like IGN or GameInformer, where I was paid to sit in a cubicle and play and write, then sure. But as it is now, I’m lucky if I get a review done within two weeks. If it’s for a RPG, like most of them are, it will take me at least a month. Who is that really benefiting? It’s not helping the sites I write for, and it’s not doing the games any justice because by the time I write about them, practically everywhere else on the net has published reviews. No one is going to see what I have to say a month after a hot title comes out.
So do I even have a future in gaming? I’d like to, but I just don’t see journalism as the answer. I’m not too old, but I definitely don’t have the time. If I had my kids ten years ago, then yes, I could definitely do this as a living, but that isn’t the case. Besides, with as much fun as I’ve had working in the gaming journalism biz, is this what I want for my end-all-be-all career?
NO.
Ever since I learned how to read, I’ve wanted to be writer. I’m most definitely a writer now, but I’ve always wanted to be novelist. Well the book ain’t getting written at the pace I’m going. I need to step back from game reviews, fulfill more of my “director” duties at GrE, keep up what I’ve been doing with SGR, and get serious about my future goals. Game journalism is going to become a hobby again, and not a job until I can fiscally make it a job.
So yeah, this is going to be one crazy week. My first challenge is to not cry when I drop off Gabe at his new school. My second challenge is to not overbook my workdays. Wish me luck.
Leave a Reply