What do *I* want to write about?

I’ve been having a bit of a crisis as of late when it comes to my writing. I’ve been writing about video games for a long, long time, since 2004 when I stumbled upon Advanced Media Network’s video game site when they were recruiting new writers. My first thoughts were, “Writing about video games? That sounds like fun!” And for a long, long time, it was fun. I’ve made some incredible friends across various video game sites, and to be honest, they were mainly the reason why I’ve stuck around for the last couple of years.

The fun really stopped this year, back in March, shortly after Mass Effect 3 released. After the loud and obnoxious demands for a better ending from BioWare from a group of Mass Effect fans who were outraged with the way the game ended, I wanted to walk away. It wasn’t even about me getting personally attacked for daring to like the ending or being accused of living in BioWare’s pocket; I couldn’t handle seeing a team of supposed professionals acting in this manner. It was one thing for the fans to be all up in arms, because fans of any product seem to like yelling about something, but these were self-proclaimed video game journalists. Yes, they’re supposed to have opinions on this matter, and it’s fine that they don’t like a game and that they have reasons for doing so. However, to demand that someone change the ending just because you didn’t like it? Really? That’s immature. What’s worse, many of these “professionals” were attacking other “professionals” who felt differently from them. I often had to leave Twitter halfway through the day because I couldn’t take it anymore. This went on for weeks, far too long for this kind of melodrama.

After I got over it, I dived back into the realm of video game writing and had an amazing year with Gaming Angels. I had one of the best E3s I think I could ever experience, and I had an absolute blast at San Diego Comic Con. Things were really taking off for me at GA, and I was watching this site really blossom into something amazing.

And then I was sent to a community event at THQ for Darksiders II. This was supposed to be another amazing experience, right? In a few ways, it was, as I got to meet some really nice people and I got to know my Twitter friend, Jen Bosier, really well. However, most of the week I wanted to smack people’s heads together. I have never been around more negative people in my entire life. I wanted to ask most of them if they even liked playing video games anymore, they had so many negative and nasty things to say about everything. What’s worse is that most of them were blatantly rude to our hosts’ faces. This was a community event, not exactly a notable press event, but everyone at this event is an aspiring games journalist, so why in the world would they think it was appropriate to behave this way? On the last day, I pretty much avoided talking to most people because I didn’t want to hear what negative thing they had to say next. I came home wanting to walk away once again, because if this is what it meant to become a video game critic, I wanted nothing to do with it.

At that point, I started to really delve into whether this was what I wanted. I became very unhappy with the whole thing, and I had hoped that by accepting the Editor-in-Chief position at GA, my feelings would turn positive. Unfortunately, being in charge of a gaming writing site only made my feelings worse. After talking to several friends who were knee-deep in the writing industry and who desperately want to be a professional games writer, I realized this was not what I wanted. I don’t want to review video games for a living. I don’t want to constantly write features articles as a freelancer or an editorialist for a magazine because 1) I don’t have very many ideas and 2) I think these articles are boring. So why would I want to write something I don’t like reading?

It was a slap in the face of an epiphany. Why am I doing this? If I’m not having fun and I don’t want to do this for a living, why in the world am I staying?

Most importantly, what do I want to write about? Well, what do I like reading? The answer was pretty obvious. I want to write a book, something that has been my dream since I first started to read. Writing about video games has taken up all of my free time I could devote to writing a book. What the hell am I doing? I’m 35…it’s time to write or move on entirely.

And so, with a very, VERY heavy heart, I resigned from Gaming Angels. I nearly threw up after sending it. I still feel sad that I let down a great group of women, and I feel very, very scared that I’m leaving an industry I’ve been a part of for over 7 years. But the gauntlet has been thrown down, and it’s time for me to make good on my threat.

Good God I’m terrified.