Guy friends, just go on ahead and skip this post if you read my blog at all. It’s most likely for the best, trust me.
So I’m in a mire of guilt and stress about the source of said guilt. Last week, I contracted mastitis, an infection in the breast caused by a blocked milk duct. I’ve experienced the joy of a blocked milk duct once before, with Gabe, but this was the first time I’ve gotten to experience the absolute joy mastitis brings. Not only did my boob hurt like the dickens, I felt like I was dying of the flu. I’ve heard several friends say that they quit breastfeeding right after they got over mastitis, because they didn’t want to risk getting it again. Now that I’ve had it, I understand where they were coming from completely. I have been trudging on anyway because I want to breastfeed Zack for at least a few months before moving to the bottle. It turns out that it’s possible for mastitis to zap your milk supply, and I’m one such lucky customer.
Before mastitis, I could feed Zack well enough he went 3-3.5 hours between feedings. He was already sleeping 4-5 hour stretches at night. After mastitis, I’m lucky to go to 2.5 hours between feedings. At first I thought he was just needing more to eat so my body needed to catch up, something all women who have breastfed before understand. Usually that takes a day, maybe two days at most. It hit me on Sunday that I was doing this for 4 days straight, and it was getting worse, not better. Sometimes Zack would be hungry within an hour and I had nothing to give.
I started to supplement one feeding a day with formula just to satisfy him and help give me time to build up a supply. Then it went to two feedings. Now it’s up to three.
I called a lactation consultant. I’m drinking more water now than I did when I was pregnant. I’m even taking Fenugreek, but my supply is still going down. So is my emotional state.
It’s ridiculous for me to feel this way, I know. I’ve always been someone who believes a mom should feed her baby how she wants to, whether it’s by the breast or by the bottle. That’s her right, and no one should ever make her feel bad for whatever she decides. We have amazing technology now, and if a woman wants to take advantage of it, whether it’s her choice to or her body forces her to, then more power to her. I know all this, and I believe it, but now that it’s happening to me, all I feel is guilt.
I feel guilty that maybe I’m not willing to do everything it takes to get my supply back up. I feel guilty that I’m not doing what is best for Zack. I feel guilty that I’m even considering quitting breastfeeding at all. Am I doing this for Zack or for my convenience? Guilt, guilt, guilt.
On top of that, I feel guilty that I’m not being a great mom to Gabe either. I never really have time for him when I’m constantly feeding his brother every 2 hours. I have to wrangle everything around sitting down to breastfeed Zack, including figuring out Gabe’s soccer practices, soccer games, schoolwork, etc. And I admit, this helps the allure of the bottle; if I bottle-feed, I can just take a bottle with me wherever I go and no longer stress about feeding Zack in time before I have to take Gabe somewhere or pick him up or beg Shawn to get off work early so I can continue to feed.
So yeah, am I really trying that hard to get my supply back up? (Don’t ask me if I’m pumping; I hate pumping with a passion, so no, I’m not and I won’t.)
GUILT. GUILT. GUILT.
No, I’m not looking for reassurances from anyone that I’m not a bad mom or I shouldn’t feel guilty or whatever. This really isn’t about what anyone thinks of me, this is all in my head. My crazy, crazy, super-obsessive, guilt-ridden, head. I find that writing out my thoughts often helps me sort out what to do, how to feel, or just get something off my chest.
Wine will help too, right? Something ELSE I can drink a little more of if I go to the bottle. GUILT. GUILT. GUILT!
Girl, DO NOT feel guilty! I feel the same as you.
I wouldn’t say I was ever “comfortable” with breast feeding, and baby wasn’t taking to it well. I tried exclusive pumping, but that is SO MUCH WORK. I’m not a lazy person, but it is SO MUCH WORK. I gave him breast milk and just supplemented with formula as long as I could, and that was only about 6 weeks.
I felt guilty at first when I returned the breast pump to the hospital. I felt like a failure. Like, “This is my CHILD. I should try much harder than this.” But the relief and stress-reduction with not worrying about it anymore was worth more to me. I felt like with all the pumping/feeding stress, I couldn’t enjoy my child and enjoy being a mommy for the first time. I’m not looking back now. Both my husband and I were bottle-fed babies and we are happy, healthy individuals.
I enjoy reading your blog, by the way!
Suzanne
Suzanne,
You hit on something that I’ve completely overlooked–enjoying being a mom. Since my milk supply decided to dive, I dread every mealtime. I stress if I’ll have enough, I’ll stress over how long it will last, I stress over wondering if I should get a bottle ready…you get the idea. How can I enjoy being a mom or enjoy my baby with that kind of constant stress, since feeding is rather constant at this stage.
And btw, pumping BLOWS. I know plenty of moms who have had great success with it, but for me, it was extremely painful and I could only produce 2 ounces on a good day. I smashed the damn thing with a hammer when I was done.
Agree on all points. You will do the right thing.
Kari, Hi, it’s Katie’s mom. I am a big fan of breastfeeding, but what good are you doing you child if you are not 100%? The most important thing he needs is is Mom holding him, breast or bottle.
Hey! I rarely read anyone’s blog, but I saw your title referencing breast feeding and decided to give it a look. Whatever happens with your supply, you can continue to be a great mom to both your boys. I totally understand what you describe about meal stress. When Henry came home, after having fed through an IV and tubes for a month, the adjustment was so hard and my anxiety actually diminished my milk. Pumping, while initially painful and admittedly time consuming, actually helped me calm down. But I had a high quality double electric pump, which helps. It’s not for everyone though. The liquid supplement “more milk plus” at Central Market also seemed to help stimulate milk supply, if you’re looking for anything else to try. I will be thinking good thoughts for you!
First you are a great mom and person. You are amazing Keri so get rid of the guilt. You have been through so much, please just enjoy your time with squishy.
In terms of breastfeeding advice, More Milk Plus from Motherlove seems to help everyone in my mom support groups with their supply. I would also recommend attending a breastfeeding support group. It will REALLY help with the guilt feeling etc. I swear some women in there had mastitis like three times!
I know pumping sucks, but if you get a hospital pump rental, it’s a smoother pump and it is the only way to increase your supply. Regular pumps only maintain. It’s just an idea for another route to go. I’ve made it 8 months pumping and plan to try to get to one year before weaning her off.
Good luck hon and remember…get rid of the guilt.
<3 you!!
I am just now experiencing the same demlmia! As a matter of a fact, I just went online to find some sort of discussion on this topic. My son is 2 months old now and I’ve been breastfeeding him almost exclusively for this time. I have 2 other boys and so breastfeeding has been more difficult. Additionally, three weeks ago we found out he’s allergic to the milk I was ingesting, which gave him an allergy-induced acid reflux. I had my mom give him soy formula a few weeks back just to see how he tolerated it and he actually seemed more content on the formula. Didn’t spit up nearly as much, didn’t seem to have the same tummy problems, and just seemed happier. The same thing happened with my husband this weekend. This shouldn’t be such a struggle since breastmilk is the perfect food.’ But I just want my baby to be happy! And seeing him more content on formula really gives me the incentive to switch completely. I went through this same demlmia with my second, and couldn’t believe how much better he was once I made the switch. But making that leap is such an emotional one (guilt, misgivings, etc.) I have his 2 month appt today with his pediatrician and will be talking to her about it. I will be going back to work in 3 weeks too.I don’t have any advice other than to say to go with your gut! Yes, breast milk is best, but it isn’t best if it’s providing an additional stresser on the family. Any text book answer will tell you that some breast milk is better than no breast milk, but that needs to be a decision you need to make. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about it, it’s too personal.Remember, whatever decision you make you and your baby will be just fine, maybe even better! Let us know what you decide. Good luck!!