Burying a Childhood Friend

On Monday, July 7th, I learned that one of my oldest friends, Nick Day, killed himself on July 4th. I’ve known Nick since I was 5 years old as he lived two streets behind me in my subdivision and he was best friends with my first real friend, Chris Mixter, who lived across the street from me. We went to school together and even college together, but we haven’t been close in many, many years. We grew apart in high school even though we were both in band together, because we were in different bands and our mutual connection, Chris, moved to New Jersey my sophomore year. I really think the last time I saw him in person was when we were in college, either when I saw him in a play or somewhere on Baylor campus. Even though we weren’t close anymore, we always stopped what we were doing to say hello and hug whenever we saw one another.

The news of his death was even more shocking because he had JUST contacted me on Facebook two days before he died. He got a new job with the Houston Symphony, something that seemed to be an absolutely perfect fit for him, and he posted info on my wall about a symphony series involving video games music. He wanted me to know about it and asked if I would come down for a concert, and maybe we could hang out. I really, really wanted to go, but that was the weekend Zack was getting baptized, so I told Nick I was sorry I couldn’t make it, but I’d love to see him at the symphony some time. How could he have died two days later after that?

I wasn’t sure how hard anything would hit me, as his death never once felt real, and as I said, I hadn’t seen Nick in years. But when I saw Chris at the internment, and I saw his face, it smacked me in the gut how real it all was. The emotions crashed over me. It’s true I haven’t seen Nick in years, but he was a huge part of my childhood. Now with him gone, it’s like a piece of my childhood has been ripped away.  And seeing Chris so distraught, and Gretchen, and Nick’s best friend since birth Doreen just devastated as they wept over his coffin, placing one hand on the lid to pray for him…it hit me that I would be just like that if not worse if that was Chris inside the casket. My heart suddenly ached for them more than anything, because I never want to know what it’s like for my oldest friend to die in such a tragic manner.

One thing I heard over and over again from family friends about the situation was that they didn’t understand how Nick could have gotten to that point, how he could have thought killing himself was the only answer. Didn’t he realize how selfish that is? Didn’t he think of what it would do to his family and friends? And then I found myself being a depression educator over the course of a couple of weeks. As someone who has suffered from depression that badly where I had to convince myself every day to get out of bed, where I had to remind myself every day that hurting myself was not the answer, where I had to actively force myself to think of my son and the unborn baby inside of me (oh yes, I was pregnant during this time), I can tell you that you never think of anyone else. It’s not that you’re being selfish, you just physically cannot think of anything outside of how sad you are. You are utterly consumed by your sadness, helplessness, and powerlessness to the point that nothing outside of that emotion exists. When my depression left me at the start of the second trimester, it was like this fog was lifted from my brain. I had absolutely no idea why I was so sad. Why did I think there was only one way out? Why was I so unhappy? Why did I not think of my friends and family? I had a million whys with zero answers.

That, my friends, is how awful the sickness of depression is.

The looks on my family’s faces when I told them my story were astounding. They either a) had no idea I went through that, b) forgot I went through that, and/or c) never once considered how badly depression affects your thoughts, feelings, and physical being.

While I have no idea what Nick was personally going through at that moment in time when he took that awful step, I can say I understand why he had those feelings. I can only hope that he finally has the peace he was looking for, and pray that his family and close friends find the same peace.