I apologize for beating a dead horse and repeating something everyone has been screaming the last few months, but 2016 was a hard year. I lost my job at the start of the summer, which started me on this downward spiral that I’ve only recently noticed I’ve been on. Losing my job wasn’t just about losing that steady income; it soured a lot of things I used to love. I say I work really hard, but the truth is, I haven’t worked hard since losing my job. I let it completely suck the wind out of my sails. I stopped liking to write. I stopped enjoying playing video games. I even stopped being diligent about practicing yoga. You know, my upcoming profession.
Sad thing is, it took a friend to bring me to tears to make me realize how I’ve stopped finding joy in things. How I can’t be happy unless I find that joy once more. Most importantly, how I can’t be happy until I’m happy with myself and where I am.
Of course, I can’t instantly become happy after such a realization. It’s been a bit of baby steps. I’m not going to stop reviewing and writing about video games, but I’m going to accept the fact that I can’t burn through a 60-hour RPG in two days. Embracing that alone has removed a load of stress off my shoulders. Rushing through games like that took me away from my family and cost me what little sleep I’m able to get these days. It also killed my enjoyment of the title. Gaming isn’t supposed to be rushed and crammed into a weekend. It’s supposed to be savored and enjoyed the way the player wants it to go. This player likes taking her time and doing every single damn side quest programmed in. Because THAT’s how I find joy in gaming.
I’ve also found joy in comics again. My fantastic friend Jen and I have always tried various writing projects together, but nothing has really stuck. This year, we finally found something we’re both incredibly passionate about. We started a comics podcast together, and that’s spawned into writing about comics. I forgot what it was like to do something simply because you have a passion for it. I used to be like that with my strategy guide review site, and I’ve lost that passion too. I hope to rekindle that in the coming year as well, which I hope will happen with changing my outlook with games writing.
Speaking of plans for the new year, I’m not going to make resolutions for 2017. Resolutions are stressful and anxiety-inducing. Instead of focusing on what I don’t have, which is pretty much what a resolution does, I’m going to focus on finding joy, love, and my passion. After all, as a friend pointed out to me, I’m never going to be happy long-term if I don’t have those things. Losing weight and fitting back into my pre-pregnancy jeans is a short-term goal that will bring temporary happiness. Accepting how my body has changed is the first step to long-term happiness. None of this will happen overnight, and it’s going to be hard to get there.
But nothing worth having isn’t hard.
It’s hard to find joy. It’s hard to be loving. It’s hard to find your passion. But once you get there, you realize how much more it all means to you because it was so hard.
If I have any resolutions for the coming year, it’s to continue finding joy and love. It’s to embrace who I am and my insecurities, and love all of it. No more pretending to be something I’m not in order to make friends. No more begging my friends to spend time with me. No more fearing what other parents say about me. No more stressing that I’m not part of the in-crowd.
There’s only me and loving who I am. It’s easier said than done, naturally, but simply starting this pattern of thought is incredibly freeing.
May we all find joy, love, and our passions in 2017 and years to come. May we all be as free.
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